For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.
Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!
George Bernard Shaw
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.
Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.
The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species.
Leonardo da Vinci
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.
Sudden acquaintance brings repentance.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, “I guess we answered that question.”
Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.
Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I’m hoping that by the time I’m seventy I’ll straighten it out.
Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.
Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there’s nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
Love ain’t nothing but sex misspelled.
Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Virginity can be lost by a thought.
The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?
Sex is the great amateur art. The professional, male or female, is frowned on: he or she misses the point, and spoils the show.
The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.
Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.
George Bernard Shaw
Flies spread disease – keep yours zipped.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Isn’t it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?
From the television show The Golden Girls
Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.
Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Anticipation makes the hard-on longer.
I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and off her.
Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert – unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on – are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease.
Be naughty – save Santa a trip.
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
Hornover: what one wakes up with the morning after a night of getting too horny without release.
The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.
A student undergoing a word association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: “Because everything does.”
How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old.
Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
J. Edgar Hoover, attributed
Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
Our love could change the orbit of the earth. So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind.
Nothing risque, nothing gained.
My cock doesn’t talk politics.
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.
Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy – or vice versa.
My message to businessmen of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife.
The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex.
Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won’t be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex…. But our parents are sexually retarded too…. Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure cooker in this country and soon the top will blow…. Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.
Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they’ve got nothing to worry about.
Nature abhors a virgin – a frozen asset.
Clare Booth Luce
A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction.
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.
W. Somerset Maugham
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.
If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh.
Sex is God’s joke on human beings.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Against diseases here the strongest fence Is the defensive vertue, Abstinence.
Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.
Henry Louis Mencken
AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder.
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.
To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.
Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love.